Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
May 7th, 2007
INDIGESTIBLE KAUDERWELSCH FORUM, NETHER HELL — After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Kauderwelsch Heavy Industries, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.
Graphic Courtesy The Onion
Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
The Kauderwelsch-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.
"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Belarney Z. Bov said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."
Adding to the need for expansion, Belarney said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demagogues, mendacious manipulators, swaggering soldiers of fortune, nefarious eaters of broken organ meats retained by rival forums, and creators of vexagonistic lunatic scapegoat psychodrama — these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Belarney said.
Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 2003, however, funding was finally secured in an yllabian deal brokered between Kauderwelsch CEO Archos Jerkin and Satan himself.
Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Trolls and Troglodytes, Flamers and Spammers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Artless Crime Capers Against Art, and Common Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giant Overflowing Toilet Bowls just above the Frozen Puke at Hell's Center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
Curbolo Firus, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.
"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates — demonizing forum owners, clique coordinators, cross-forum promoters, and vast hordes of cretinacious disinfotainment-industry malefactors troller-posting and typing on ergonomic keyboards while doing mouse wheelies at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve."
Pausing to tear off the limbs of a former ATI host, Curbolo added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make possible."
Among the tortures the Kauderwelsch Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-By Posting, Manipulative Button Pushing, Dopamine-Driven Flights of Fancy, and Unspeakably Scandalous Allegations.
The Circle also features a Hall of Hot Air, where condemned political pundits, clad in popcorn-festooned avatars soaked in spirit-draining acrimony, are forced to blather for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic grandmothers, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1998 Barsoom Tork hit "The Night They Drove Old Moulton Down."
In a nearby area, Goat Penners are forced to carry the mouse pads of uneducated Europhile migrant posters from forum to forum for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as Crow descends from the trees to peck at their livers while Hedgehog nibbles on their spleens. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are said to be committed by a naked squirrel carrying a menacing signpost.
"In life, I did 'readings' at the Schleppian School," one flame-blackened miscreant told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to manipulate the future. But then I sent a couple of invisible friends to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unholy. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn cretin ever since."
His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, Roger Bupkis, a midwestern government attorney said: "It's hell here — there are no Irish brew pubs, I can't get any decent food at Shapiro's Deli, my blog site is frequented by snarky characters. I'm dissed every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the favor. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the outcropping on that nearby rock, I could signal some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and I'm out of patience, out of mercy, and I'm constantly hearing the message, 'Replace Banner Picture, Replace Banner Picture, Replace Banner Picture.'"
He then resumed screaming in agony.
Reynaldolt, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of assignments for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.
"Things are definitely looking up," Reynaldolt said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer."
"We're really on the growth spurt down here," Reynaldolt added. "This is an exciting time to be in Hell."